The Hiatus is Over… I Think… Maybe

*taps microphone*

Is this thing still on? It has been a while since my last post, I tried to push through the hard and confusing year that was 2020. I realised earlier this year that it was okay to just stop creating content and take a break.

Now after some reflection and meditation on the matter, boy do I have a fair share to unpack…

Where do I even begin?

My need/ craving for attention ( made stronger by social media) took a strong hold during the lockdown (in it’s entirety) and led me to unconsciously find ways to gain some attention from others, regardless of how little or how quick it may be.

I revisited my idea of creating an Instagram account for this blog and went a step further with plans of starting a YouTube channel too. I convinced myself that it was all for the betterment of employability. Skills that I could add to my CV that would showcase initiative and proactiveness. Although that’s true and it would, and does. I was lying to myself, at the core of this motivation to start a YT channel and Instagram page. Was the need for attention, I felt like left behind and stagnant and wanted to just “do something” to feel involved in anything.

I remember a friend saying “I bet you end up not starting this YT channel”. At the time, I took extreme offence to this statement and took it as an attack on me. However, he was right, the channel still sits on the internet with no content on it.

The allure of having a YT channel was great, but evidently I wasn’t (and still aren’t) ready for the dedication and effort necessary to start a channel or even maintain an extra Instagram account.

So when things hit the fan and it wasn’t as easy sailing as I wanted it to be, I bailed and that came without a whole lot of guilt, shame and annoyance (with myself). That then resulted in my cowering away from the idea I once thought was iron-clad and foolproof.

It came to my attention that things where in a mess because I didn’t have a clear goal in mind.

Why did I want a YT channel?

Why did I need an Instagram account for this blog?

Once I thought about this and came to a conclusion, I realised that I didn’t need either and that I was swayed and influenced by situations around me. I wasn’t doing anything I did for me, but for other people. That was why (I believe) things didn’t pan out the way I had envisioned, there was no passion on my part.

I love music, I do, but do I love it enough to have a whole blog about it? That is something I’m pondering, praying about and meditating on.

Does this mean the end of my blog, maybe. I’m not sure yet, I need return to the foundations of this blog and figure out why I really started doing it in the first place. It may result in the absolute end of the blog or a rebrand. I’m not sure yet, all I’m sure of it that I need time to figure it out.

-Dez

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